Familiarity scares me. I get anxious thinking about going to places where people know me. I thrive off unfamiliarity, off being a stranger; off not knowing anyone anyone or anything, and them not knowing me. I wonder why this is.
I get easily bored and disappointed by people and places. I have inner ideals which almost no one and no place lives up to. For me life is largely about a constant refinement of these ideals, a reevaluation of them in light of the contrasting experiences of my life. And yet I generally forgive people for falling so short of my expectations. I fall short of my own expectations, and it’s hard to keep on going without forgiving myself; it would be unfair to not do the same for others.
At this point, very little about America interests me. I have almost no desire to be there. And yet I know that it is not America, as a thing in itself, which bores me, disappoints me. It’s most of the people, most of the places, most of the structures, most of the cultural dynamic; most of what American culture does even to things I revere, like Tibetan Buddhism. Ignorance prevails; not the kind of ignorance that these Himachali Indian locals have, but some of kind of profound disconnect with the basic energy of life; with how to handle your mind, how to deal with yourself and others.
I’ve lived in a whole lot of places. I’ve moved an average of every 5.8 months since graduating highschool, with a whole lot of traveling in-between. At this point it’s hard to imagine being in a place for longer than a year.
I feel that I am distancing myself somehow from everything that has come before. It’s painful, but liberating. Constant refinement. I am constantly refining my ideals, my desires, of where I want to be and what I want to do. And recently, constantly trying to examine the self-limiting concepts that tell me that I can’t be in those places and do those things; as well as trying to simply focus on the desire for what I want, knowing that with focus, all can be obtained.
Happy Dakini Day. A reminder to revere the Divine Feminine. It happens every month in the Tibetan calendar, and is usually celebrated by practicing female deities such as Tara and holding tsoks, ritual feasts which are an offering to particular deities and a celebration of the connection that we have with those deities.
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